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Archive for August, 2009

What a strange relationship I have with my God.
He does not need me, He wants me.
And when I did not want him, I needed Him.

And there are times that I feel so unwanted.
I find my delight in Him.

I speak to the one I cannot hear,
The one who has heared before listening.
I pour out my soul into the silence
Pain falls from my heart in its leap of faith.
And there is stillness.

My mind shifts.
Is he really there? Have I bought the lie?

Pain is more comforting to the human soul than stillness.
Nothingness.
By my humanity- I chase after the darkness to pick up the hurt that I tried to dispose.
I can control pain. I can hold onto to it. My mind can ring its hands over the turmoil’s of life.
I can let it fester like ivy, taking deep root in my chest as it winds through my flesh, and mind. Let it slither through each thought as the common thread; convincing me to take the bite and indulge on good and evil. The stimulating sensation of the musing over problems is easily confused with what constricts  and suffocates.
There is so much evil. My life testifies it.
My very soul chases after it. My feet lead to death.

And that’s when He catches me.

Why couldn’t I wait through the stillness?
Why couldn’t I let my pain be wrapped up and tucked away in the blood- washed away in the cleansing flow?

Why can’t I be still and know that He is God?
Why couldn’t I listen to the still quiet voice? Why do I chase after wind and fire?

He doesn’t need me, but somehow He wants me.
Somehow I don’t want Him, but I need Him.

I  need Love.

Remind me again, oh God, that you Love me.

Be my Sheppard, so that I have no desire to want more than You.
And lead me to quiet places- that reflect a quiet soul.

Like a Sheppard who breaks the legs of his sheep so that they remain in the flock. Break me so that I can remain in you.

Induce stillness.

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