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Archive for October, 2009

The following is an excerpt from a letter that I wrote to a friend.
I wrote it a while back, but it still reflects the general theme of my life right now.

“…But for whatever reason, I am a full time student and a transfer, where I posses the light in a room full of dimly lit candles. And being at a ‘Christian’ school, I have the smallest platform I have ever had to share what I believe. And it feels so ridiculous to be playing make believe in bibleland when people are dying and going to hell. But the crux of it all is that God has called to be a musical theatre major at least for now (and yes I will blame Him for that.) and this has stripped me of all the dreams that I had set before me.
And I’ve been frustrated.
“Like, Really God? Musical theatre? Are you high on those clouds? How am I suppose to compare the glory of the unadulterated truth and the convicting word of the redemptive gospel summarized only in the profound simplicity of Christ and him crucified- TO- dancing on the stage in a skirt.?
I mean seriously- what the hell?
I have commited my life to, and set my joy on, telling others about you. This has been my life’s devotion, and it has literally been reduced to THEATRICS.”

And yet these are the thoughts to myself ABOUT God because I don’t have the audacity to tell Him what he already knows I’m thinking.

So I’ve had to ask myself: “How am I supposed to run the race as to receive the prize if all the things that I have prized are gone?”
Because I want to be in full time ministry, I want to see the work of my hands go into His kingdom.
And Jesus is like: “Hey? Why can’t you prize me? Why can’t I be your goal? Why do you constantly have to pursue me in the things that you do, the souls that I win, the goals that you have made to please me? Why can’t you just set your eyes on me?”
And then, while I’m wallowing in – “ugh! Jesus!- that’s just to much to ask.”
Jesus is all like: “And why do you keep saying ‘’What the hell?”
hahaha!

The honest truth is, I want to pursue Christ. Not pursue him with my life, but as my prize.
But I am afraid of myself. I am furosiously afraid and filled with trembling because of myself.
Because its easy to hide behind a role in ministry and devote yourself to a title rather than its purpose. And being in the ministry, I would dance to and from repentance of that.
But, to be in an occupation that focuses on the glory and the idolization of self. To be in an occupation where I will constantly have to check my heart and mind about the things to commit to. To be in an occupation where people will look at me and not immediately be drawn to seeing Christ in me. To be in an occupation where people will falsify the light I testify to because they don’t agree with the calling I have – terrifies me. Terrifies me to my marrow.

So that’s where I am right now. It’s a daily surrender to prize Christ. And little by little He reveals to me that being reduced to theatrics is not so bad, because when I am small He is big.
But he doesn’t reveal it all at once, that’s what makes a life a journey rather than an assembly line.”

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