Posts Tagged ‘life’

The following is an excerpt from a letter that I wrote to a friend.
I wrote it a while back, but it still reflects the general theme of my life right now.

“…But for whatever reason, I am a full time student and a transfer, where I posses the light in a room full of dimly lit candles. And being at a ‘Christian’ school, I have the smallest platform I have ever had to share what I believe. And it feels so ridiculous to be playing make believe in bibleland when people are dying and going to hell. But the crux of it all is that God has called to be a musical theatre major at least for now (and yes I will blame Him for that.) and this has stripped me of all the dreams that I had set before me.
And I’ve been frustrated.
“Like, Really God? Musical theatre? Are you high on those clouds? How am I suppose to compare the glory of the unadulterated truth and the convicting word of the redemptive gospel summarized only in the profound simplicity of Christ and him crucified- TO- dancing on the stage in a skirt.?
I mean seriously- what the hell?
I have commited my life to, and set my joy on, telling others about you. This has been my life’s devotion, and it has literally been reduced to THEATRICS.”

And yet these are the thoughts to myself ABOUT God because I don’t have the audacity to tell Him what he already knows I’m thinking.

So I’ve had to ask myself: “How am I supposed to run the race as to receive the prize if all the things that I have prized are gone?”
Because I want to be in full time ministry, I want to see the work of my hands go into His kingdom.
And Jesus is like: “Hey? Why can’t you prize me? Why can’t I be your goal? Why do you constantly have to pursue me in the things that you do, the souls that I win, the goals that you have made to please me? Why can’t you just set your eyes on me?”
And then, while I’m wallowing in – “ugh! Jesus!- that’s just to much to ask.”
Jesus is all like: “And why do you keep saying ‘’What the hell?”

The honest truth is, I want to pursue Christ. Not pursue him with my life, but as my prize.
But I am afraid of myself. I am furosiously afraid and filled with trembling because of myself.
Because its easy to hide behind a role in ministry and devote yourself to a title rather than its purpose. And being in the ministry, I would dance to and from repentance of that.
But, to be in an occupation that focuses on the glory and the idolization of self. To be in an occupation where I will constantly have to check my heart and mind about the things to commit to. To be in an occupation where people will look at me and not immediately be drawn to seeing Christ in me. To be in an occupation where people will falsify the light I testify to because they don’t agree with the calling I have – terrifies me. Terrifies me to my marrow.

So that’s where I am right now. It’s a daily surrender to prize Christ. And little by little He reveals to me that being reduced to theatrics is not so bad, because when I am small He is big.
But he doesn’t reveal it all at once, that’s what makes a life a journey rather than an assembly line.”


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I was with a group of friends on a day when the whole crew was worn out and sleep deprived. Except for one girl who was bubbling over with the grand idea of a shopping escapade. She had been hinting about it all week, but now that time was running out- she was very forthright:
“Do you want to go shopping? There is a store that I know you would love.”
What she was actually saying was “I’m going shopping, and it would be less work for me to drag you along if you just wanted to go too.”
I think that’s how we are with God.
“God, I want this… let me show you why it’s in your best interest too.”

I’ve often avoided being that person. “God if you’ll just get me this… I promise that I won’t <insert area of weakness> anymore.” Because I’ve found that I am most satisfied in my relationship with Christ when I’ve willfully submitted myself under His Lordship. With the Lord as my shepherd I have not wanted, he has made me lay down in green pastures, he has led me beside still water, he continually restores my soul. When the weight of His blessing has exceeded my ability to thank him- why should I ask for more?
Because of this I have trusted in Gods sovereignty almost to a fault… and by fault I’m mean Calvinism (small joke).
But a few nights ago, I was in a worship service and I began to pray for everything that I felt lead to pray for. I prayed for my family, friends that were lost, things that were going on my life… and soon I began to pray for something I wanted. I didn’t need it. In fact, I considered it as more as a distraction and tucked the thought away. But as I prayed, my desire crept up and overflowed into my petition before God.

This was very unlike me.
I’m not one to deprive myself of the blessings of God, because my cup runneth over. Normally, the only time I pray for myself is when I’m late and I don’t want to run into traffic or cops. I know- I’m religious.

But I’ve caught myself praying for this ever since then.

And I’m caught between Psalm 37:4 and Luke 22:42.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you
the desires of your heart.


Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”


I’m trying to keep the blog post short- My conclusion when I return with my next post. Get ready for theology!!!

Until then- enjoy this unrelated video that I LOVE!



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There are times in my life where I find a song that probes the very beat of my heart.

For the time being, this is the song within my soul:

There’s a cry in my heart
For Your glory to fall
For Your presence to fill up my senses
There’s a yearning again
A thirst for discipline
A hunger for things that are deeper

Could You take me beyond?
Could You carry me through?
If I open my heart?
Could I go there with You?
(For I’ve been here before
But I know there’s still more
Oh, Lord, I need to know You)

For what do I have
If I don’t have You, Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter
Of my head
Lifter of this head

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In a world of usless information, I pray that my my actions, my thoughts, and my words point to something greater than myself.

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My heart is so swollen with the Joy and the Love of Christ.

I hope you know what thats like.

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It seems that in Christian culture there are more doctrines than denominations, and the denominations outweigh the people to fill them.
This is troubling to me.
Who is right? Who is mistaking  honest obedience with blatant sin?
“Whos cheatin who? Whos staying true? Who dont even care any more?”

My Sister is 15, and though we both have an intimate relationship with our mother, we both view her very differently.
My sister is characterized by this: She gets caught up with the petty dramas of this world, she’s often cold and not relational, she finds confidence and self worth in her peers, and she’s more concerned about whats cool than whats right, she loves to argue, detached in revealing her thoughts and feelings.
I, on the other hand: am extremely relational, my love language is tough, I seek after righteousness, get in trouble very little, i need to know that my parents are proud of me, i share my thought processes and seek guidance, ect.

I see my mother as more of a companion, while my sister sees her as more of the care giver, and disciplinary.
That is simply because we are at different stages in life. If we were both asked to  describe the same woman, we would describe her very differently. Would all the things be true? Yes
While my sister may say she is very strict. I would argue that she is lenient. Both of these are true.

So what about God? God is a God of complete sovereignty as we orchestrates the story of humanity for His glory and pleasure. God also allows us to have responsibility, to either fulfill or deny.
I fully believe that these juxtaposed ideas can coexsist. Like parallel lines that go on together, and never meet a point of conclusion- Gods power, and Gods allowance cannot satisfy one another, but are both vital to the Christian beliefs.
I believe that though many doctrines do not compliment one another in emphasis, they do depict a small aspect of Gods vast and round character.

We earth dwellers will never witness the other side of the moon as long as we live on the earth, but we cant agrue that it doesnt exsist. You may never witness an aspect of God, but you cannot argue that it doesn’t exist.
I myself feel that i have only acutely witnessed the wrath of God, if at all. But God is a God of wrath.
Those who don’t believe in God, have never excepted Gods kindness. But God is a God of great Kindness in love.

Doctrine is necessary. But not essential. The blood of Christ is essential.
So speak truth in love. Let iron sharpen iron. Allow your concept of God widen as the spirit reveals truth and Gods word confirms it. Know God.
But above everything else- trust in the redemptive work that took place on the cross, because beyond that, all doctrines fail.

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“To be “too heavenly minded is to be no earthly good.”

I couldn’t disagree more. I find myself in life, shuffling along, with my eyes at my feet. I look around at what i have accomplished- and that is when i find that I am no earthly good.

Who am I but a vessle of Christ? May I cling to the cross, may i set my sights on His righteousness, let me feed my heart with His word.

Colossians 3:2 
Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.

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