The following is a an entry I wrote to myself Oct 6, 2007 referring to my first encounter with the Calvinistic view which had taken place months before that was written.
At first I was absolutely appalled at the thought of predestination.
And I’m amazed at how much I’ve changed from the person I was.
Whether or not my original thoughts have changed, I now have the ability to support what i believe on a far deeper level.
My post is unedited, which is why there is still my thoughts on the one that introduced the idea of selection.
Im posting this now because the events that have taken place today have dramatically effected my thoughts on free will that began almost a year ago.
So enjoy: My conclusion on this event is soon to follow.
“I came to the period of his last word. I realized my breathing had changed. Short, heavy and shallow; weighted upon my chest. I elevated my ribcage, expanding my lunges, I hoped to get some oxygen to my brain.
How had this happened?
The thing I pride my self on the most, I am the weakest at. What a fool.
Thinking back, I can’t find what I did wrong. Never a physical affirmation, or a word or an ambiguous word of encouragement; but never had I fallen so hard. With a child like infatuation, I hung on to every word so delicately presented from his lips and cradled them in my heart. Speech, so eloquently intertwined with genius and humility, he pointed to the true desire of my heart: Christ. He was such a blessing to me. But I suppose I put to much emphasis on the gift rather than the giver, and the thought of him pulls at the threads of my heart. I valued him, his thoughts, and his beliefs.
Now, though the waters of Time flood through my life, the memory isn’t washed away. My mind reverts back to a world so unworldly, where the presents of God loomed heavily like honey, dripping into every part of my soul until I was utterly engrossed. Sweet and rich. Today the thought of it becomes dry in my mouth. I partly wish I was crystallized into that state, but then I couldn’t be molded to who I am or who I’ll be.
But there he was. Subconsciously leaning forward, enraptured, I let my senses expand, not wanting to jade anything within the sphere I had created. Yet the protection of my mind and heart, that I had so painstakingly created burst. I had delved so deep so quickly into the stimulating narcotic of enlightenment he had provided, that my shield was yielded, my fortress of belief cracked, and my years of sensory manipulation had been severed. I was vulnerable. Questions became seeping in, one leading to another, rising, building; until I found myself unable to sort or contain them. I was drowning. Confusion, fear and frustration, my heart was torn as I realized my misperception of the God I had grown up believing in, speaking too, following. Now: I’m so different. My Sunday school innocence has been stripped away.
I remember the night that my cocoon of culture and upbringing, that had so tightly woven around me, began to unravel. Stricken with emotional discomfort, I physically fled from the conviction behind his words. I sat in the darkness, unable to cry, or think, or do anything productive. I was on sensory overload, and didn’t know what to do with myself. The steam that had billowed up inside of me found no aperture, instead it pressed through my pores, my skin became hot and thick. At least an hour later he found me. He surprised me as much I did him at our meeting. To be blunt; I felt that I had been spiritually raped; my shallow views of Christianity had been punctured. Sitting there in the night, I peered at my attacker through my peripheral vision with an odd dependency, letting his less than assuring words soothe my bleeding heart. I listened. He spoke. “With greater wisdom comes great sorrow.” I found an uncanny comfort in that statement, and wrapped it around my nakedness. His words continued, carried by blunt conviction, and empathy. The sky became deeper, and the flowing melody of his once rushing words lulled my heavy eyes. He became less autobiographical and more historical and my attention dwindled into the night. When I finally lay my worn body to bed, I never had slept so sound.
The next few days I watched him separated by the awkwardness of the intellectual intimacy I had felt the night before. He was timid, gauche, sometimes horribly inconsiderate, but so ergonomically incorrect it made me smile. Wisdom was his safe ground, where he was bold, confident and ready to defend. Yet in both aspects he was unmistakably cute. I was enthralled the most by the fact that he invested his wisdom in me. In those times when I encompassed the sphere of theological/philosophical understanding, he stepped away from being the moral boy defined by actions to a courageous, unshakably convicted young man. I learned so much. Scripture took a new light. Best of all I learned to teach and challenge myself.
I suppose that God intentionally chose him to become a nail to his hammer, breaking in the light I had only thought I had always seen. At first it was blinding, but ever since the world around me has become so rich. Nevertheless I responded wrong to Gods prodding.
So much so, that I find myself months later reading the words he has graced the world by allowing to read. Blogs. Oh the wonderful world of myspace. In the after math, I struggle to find someone who can take his place to challenge me spiritually. He is a reoccurring thought, and I question the emotions that well within me at the thought of his name. He is linked to a crucial time period of my life, for separate reasons that I failed to make reference to, and a key player to a turning point in my life. As a citizen to the world you may read this and instantaneously come to the conclusion that it’s romantic stimulated emotion, and that’s understandable by the false perception of relations that the media world gives. But it was in a far different, inexplicable realm than that. Not to mention that we were miles, leagues, and eras away from being compatible in that aspect. I do know this: someday when he does marry, his wife will be a very blessed and but tolerant woman. While I on the other hand, will settle for no less that someone who can lead me spiritually, so that I can intentionally grow closer to him as we grow closer to our Creator.”
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