Revival

Well,
If you care to notice, my previous posts are from 2 years ago. I literally had to find my own blog by a couple searches on Google. Then create a new password by going through my yahoo email from the 7th grade.

But I’m back!

I’ve been asked several times if I had a blog, and where it could be found Flattering!
To which I replied I did not have one.
Lies!

Kay Baylor is my pen name. My real name is Brittany Taylor.
I resorted to secrecy for many reasons.
1: Because if I were to expose my true identity, I would have to expose my young and tender age. I was fearful that people would look down on me because I was young. (I’m 21 now)
2: I really wanted this blog to be a way for me to be accountable to myself and my desire to grow in Christ. It wasn’t just for entertainment purposes.

So now I’m here. I’m giving this another shot. Why not?

My name is Brittany Taylor,
Pleased to meet you.

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On Christ the solid rock I stand.

Sometimes I wonder why I write in here. I get notifications of views, but I dont know who reads it, or if they are blessed.
Tucked away in my room are 4 journals that serve different purposes in recording my thoughts, prayers and dreams. But every once in a while I write in here.
I have nothing to prove really. Im simply to lazy to go get my journal now- So the welling in my heart that stimulates the desire to set pen to page will have to settle for finger to keys. Lets see what comes out:

My dad used to tell me this parable as a child:

‘Once upon a  time there was town tucked away in the hills, with a guard who stood at its gates. One day a family came to the town and asked the guard,
“We are looking for a new place to live. What are the people like in this town?”
The guard replied, “Well, first you must tell me what the people are like in the town your from.”
“Oh, they are so kind! In fact it will be hard to leave so many friends behind!”
At this the gate-keeper said: “If you are to enter this town, I’m sure you will find that the people will be equally kind.”
Later that day, a second family came to the town and asked the guard what the people were like who lived in th town.
The guard replied, “Well, first you must tell me what the people are like in the town your from.”
“Oh, they are so cruel! We couldn’t stand living there any longer!”
At this the gate-keeper said: “If you are to enter this town, I’m sure you will find that the people will be equally cruel.”
And the second family walked away in dismay.’

I remember running that story over in my mind a thousand times as a kid, recounting all the little details. It didnt sit with me well that there wasnt a happy ending.
Of course we are to create our own happy ending in response to it. We are to love others as we want to be loved. 
unfortunately I have found that it doesnt work in all circumstances. I have had a change of environments. I went from a place that I had so many uplifting and encouraging friends, to a place that I feel so out of place, so alone.
Last night I spent time with my good friends and today I have entered back into the world of stone. Where I once felt the warmth  from the joy of friendship, my heart now shivers with the icy blast of its absence.

But there is good. Because I have found what it means to have my hope in Christ.
Not a hope derived from what’s to come.
Not a hope created to ease pain.
But a hope that is in the person of Jesus Christ and nothing else.

And I’m at a place in my life that things have been going wrong for so long, and there are even more struggles that are presenting themselves in the future.

And yet I have hope, yet I have joy, yet I have peace.
A peace that surpasses all understanding.

When your faith is tested, you are provided an opportunity to be faithful.
Why would I now go take my house and build it in the sand? God has sustained me thus far… Im sure I can make it until Christmas break. =)

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Reduced to Theatrics

The following is an excerpt from a letter that I wrote to a friend.
I wrote it a while back, but it still reflects the general theme of my life right now.

“…But for whatever reason, I am a full time student and a transfer, where I posses the light in a room full of dimly lit candles. And being at a ‘Christian’ school, I have the smallest platform I have ever had to share what I believe. And it feels so ridiculous to be playing make believe in bibleland when people are dying and going to hell. But the crux of it all is that God has called to be a musical theatre major at least for now (and yes I will blame Him for that.) and this has stripped me of all the dreams that I had set before me.
And I’ve been frustrated.
“Like, Really God? Musical theatre? Are you high on those clouds? How am I suppose to compare the glory of the unadulterated truth and the convicting word of the redemptive gospel summarized only in the profound simplicity of Christ and him crucified- TO- dancing on the stage in a skirt.?
I mean seriously- what the hell?
I have commited my life to, and set my joy on, telling others about you. This has been my life’s devotion, and it has literally been reduced to THEATRICS.”

And yet these are the thoughts to myself ABOUT God because I don’t have the audacity to tell Him what he already knows I’m thinking.

So I’ve had to ask myself: “How am I supposed to run the race as to receive the prize if all the things that I have prized are gone?”
Because I want to be in full time ministry, I want to see the work of my hands go into His kingdom.
And Jesus is like: “Hey? Why can’t you prize me? Why can’t I be your goal? Why do you constantly have to pursue me in the things that you do, the souls that I win, the goals that you have made to please me? Why can’t you just set your eyes on me?”
And then, while I’m wallowing in – “ugh! Jesus!- that’s just to much to ask.”
Jesus is all like: “And why do you keep saying ‘’What the hell?”
hahaha!

The honest truth is, I want to pursue Christ. Not pursue him with my life, but as my prize.
But I am afraid of myself. I am furosiously afraid and filled with trembling because of myself.
Because its easy to hide behind a role in ministry and devote yourself to a title rather than its purpose. And being in the ministry, I would dance to and from repentance of that.
But, to be in an occupation that focuses on the glory and the idolization of self. To be in an occupation where I will constantly have to check my heart and mind about the things to commit to. To be in an occupation where people will look at me and not immediately be drawn to seeing Christ in me. To be in an occupation where people will falsify the light I testify to because they don’t agree with the calling I have – terrifies me. Terrifies me to my marrow.

So that’s where I am right now. It’s a daily surrender to prize Christ. And little by little He reveals to me that being reduced to theatrics is not so bad, because when I am small He is big.
But he doesn’t reveal it all at once, that’s what makes a life a journey rather than an assembly line.”

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Searching for Stillness.

What a strange relationship I have with my God.
He does not need me, He wants me.
And when I did not want him, I needed Him.

And there are times that I feel so unwanted.
I find my delight in Him.

I speak to the one I cannot hear,
The one who has heared before listening.
I pour out my soul into the silence
Pain falls from my heart in its leap of faith.
And there is stillness.

My mind shifts.
Is he really there? Have I bought the lie?

Pain is more comforting to the human soul than stillness.
Nothingness.
By my humanity- I chase after the darkness to pick up the hurt that I tried to dispose.
I can control pain. I can hold onto to it. My mind can ring its hands over the turmoil’s of life.
I can let it fester like ivy, taking deep root in my chest as it winds through my flesh, and mind. Let it slither through each thought as the common thread; convincing me to take the bite and indulge on good and evil. The stimulating sensation of the musing over problems is easily confused with what constricts  and suffocates.
There is so much evil. My life testifies it.
My very soul chases after it. My feet lead to death.

And that’s when He catches me.

Why couldn’t I wait through the stillness?
Why couldn’t I let my pain be wrapped up and tucked away in the blood- washed away in the cleansing flow?

Why can’t I be still and know that He is God?
Why couldn’t I listen to the still quiet voice? Why do I chase after wind and fire?

He doesn’t need me, but somehow He wants me.
Somehow I don’t want Him, but I need Him.

I  need Love.

Remind me again, oh God, that you Love me.

Be my Sheppard, so that I have no desire to want more than You.
And lead me to quiet places- that reflect a quiet soul.

Like a Sheppard who breaks the legs of his sheep so that they remain in the flock. Break me so that I can remain in you.

Induce stillness.

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As iron sharpens iron, so one man stabs another.

Proverbs 27:17 – As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

People read the bible for 2 reasons: Information or Formation.

Reading the bible for formative reasons, results in a life that is guided and molded by the inspired word of God.
While reading it for informative reasons, results in a knowledge that puffs up rather than a love that builds up (1 Cor. 8:1).  And rather than becoming a person who grows in spirit and in truth, when you consume the word of God as common information, you recreate into a tool that is used to argue or justify selfish purposes.

There’s a right and a wrong way to do the same thing.
I’ve had many philosophical/theological conversations where the motive was to encourage the other person and thought and perspective: formation. Unfortunately, all too many times my motive instead was to argue or to put the stagnant knowledge I had accumulated on display. And that’s wrong.
But as we allow God to use the bible to form and mold us into his likeness, when we speak of His word, it will flow from us out of love.  

I’ve seen the bible be used to justify the most ridiculous things. Most recently I read an article that argued that common prostitution is not a biblical conflict and therefore okay.

My prayer is that when I read the bible, I allow the spirit to teach me the things of God, rather than studying it like a chore.

1 Corinthians 2:9-11 
However, as it is written: 
   “No eye has seen,
      no ear has heard,
   no mind has conceived
   what God has prepared for those who love him” -but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.
      The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who among men knows the thoughts of a man except the man’s spirit within him? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.

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Where Shall He Reign?

The simple phrase:

“Lord, Reign in me” 

                                                                                                         

  …has startling implications.

Exodus 15:18
The LORD will reign for ever and ever.”

 

What is  the cry of my heart?

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Let your will be my will. pt2.

Luke 22:42  “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

 

Though Christ had repeatedly recognized and affirmed the fathers will in His crucifixion- he  still prayed that the cup be removed from him. Though Christ new the purpose and the glory to be revealed through his death, his flesh cried out.
In that moment, Jesus Christ, by petitioning that God remove harm from him, revealed the his humanity. Yet, in displaying His desires that were juxtaposed to the will of God, Christ did not sin.

So by this we know that it is not a sin to request your desires before God, even if you know that they are beyond His will.

And sometimes God answers our cry. God told Hezekiah that he would die from His illness, and yet when he cried out to God, 15 years of life were given to him.

But sometimes God has a greater good than what our prayers can request. Everything, in the life of Christ pointed to His heavenly father. This is amazing, because Christ was inherently God, yet never aimed to bring Glory to his own name. This is because He set an example for we as Christians to live in a way that continually points back to our heavenly father. But it was clear that the desire of Christ’s heart was to bring Glory to God. And though he presented His request before God, a greater good was done.

 

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 

But God cannot give us the desires of our heart if we do not delight in Him.
Jeremiah 17:9: “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”
To rejoice in righteousness and despise sin, is to have a heart that delights in the Lord and his law.
But it’s not until we learn to delight in the Lord that our hearts will be cleansed of unrighteousness.  

In short, God longs to give us the desires of our hearts, but more so he desires us to long after Him.

 

And once again, the issue is in the root rather than the fruit.

Two different people can pray the same prayer, but the one whose heart delights in the lord is the one who gets it right.

 

As I continue to muse over this, I feel my relationship with Christ shift and develop a little more.

My prayer is that I delight myself in the Lord.

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Let your will be done Oh Lord, and let your will be what I want.

I was with a group of friends on a day when the whole crew was worn out and sleep deprived. Except for one girl who was bubbling over with the grand idea of a shopping escapade. She had been hinting about it all week, but now that time was running out- she was very forthright:
“Do you want to go shopping? There is a store that I know you would love.”
What she was actually saying was “I’m going shopping, and it would be less work for me to drag you along if you just wanted to go too.”
I think that’s how we are with God.
“God, I want this… let me show you why it’s in your best interest too.”

I’ve often avoided being that person. “God if you’ll just get me this… I promise that I won’t <insert area of weakness> anymore.” Because I’ve found that I am most satisfied in my relationship with Christ when I’ve willfully submitted myself under His Lordship. With the Lord as my shepherd I have not wanted, he has made me lay down in green pastures, he has led me beside still water, he continually restores my soul. When the weight of His blessing has exceeded my ability to thank him- why should I ask for more?
Because of this I have trusted in Gods sovereignty almost to a fault… and by fault I’m mean Calvinism (small joke).
But a few nights ago, I was in a worship service and I began to pray for everything that I felt lead to pray for. I prayed for my family, friends that were lost, things that were going on my life… and soon I began to pray for something I wanted. I didn’t need it. In fact, I considered it as more as a distraction and tucked the thought away. But as I prayed, my desire crept up and overflowed into my petition before God.

This was very unlike me.
I’m not one to deprive myself of the blessings of God, because my cup runneth over. Normally, the only time I pray for myself is when I’m late and I don’t want to run into traffic or cops. I know- I’m religious.

But I’ve caught myself praying for this ever since then.

And I’m caught between Psalm 37:4 and Luke 22:42.

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD
       and he will give you the desires of your heart.

 

Luke 22:42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”

 

I’m trying to keep the blog post short- My conclusion when I return with my next post. Get ready for theology!!!

Until then- enjoy this unrelated video that I LOVE!

  

<3Kay

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Easter Sunday.

Now its Easter… Go love your family and read you bible!!
<3Kay.

Isaiah 53:5

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
       he was crushed for our iniquities;
       the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
       and by his wounds we are healed.

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How Tweet It Is….

In a world of usless information, I pray that my my actions, my thoughts, and my words point to something greater than myself.

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